PC Christmas

Its the time of year when Carol Services are all the rage, I managed to miss the District Scout Service, very careless! In this day and age these things must be PC, so here goes.....
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

'A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.'


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

'The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around he / she must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.'


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

'The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.'


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

'Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.'


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

'You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.'

School parents evening went well last night, you will note the image of Vesuvius on the left, this has little to do with me losing the plot, more about the volcanoe later, first Parents evening, we managed to see most of the little oiks teachers, he was trying to steer us to the ones he thought were better from him, I on the other hand was very keen to speak to his science and tech teachers, two who as far as I was concerened were in for a bit of a rocket... the Tech teacher I felt a bit sorry for in the end, after talking to her it was clear she was being asked to do way too much! so she was spared the wrath of Finch, as for the science teacher, her explanations as to why in the last 6 lessons she spent the best part of them moving desks around, well they were pathetic and revolved around challenging behaviour, I asked if young Finch was one of those displayed this sort of behaviour, she said no he was a good pupil, at which point I asked why my sons educaiton should be affected by other pupils behaviour and her lack of control over them, poor lass began to flounder at this, and tried to explain but I ended up tearing her arguments to shreds.... We bumped into his Duke of Edinburgh leader, a young Aussie, the ex got the hump when we all started discussing cricket and the art of left arm spin bowling! We visited his geography teacher, it is quite obviolus that she views my son as her star pupil! so much so that later this year he will be heading off to Italy to visit Pompei and Vesuvius and she is thinking that in two years they will head off on a trip to Africa! the ex who usually gets a few questions during the evening had very little chance all night! His RE teacher is a scream, not what I always had in mind as far as RE teachers go! young Finch clearly enjoys his lessons with this teacher.
Dans music teacher was another who was gushing about the boy, sadly I missed what she was saying as for some reason I was not concentrating on her lips!

Tonight is young Finch's school parents evening, and I am looking forward to it, this term we have had a fair amount of phone calls home and a couple of letters from teachers, but these are not about the young un misbehaving, they are in praise of the boy, especially his geography teacher who thinks he is a star pupil with tremendous ability and potential in the subject, so much so he was sent up to the Royal Geographical Society for a days workshops and career advice which he enjoyed. Sadly there appears to be one teacher who is not enamoured with my boy, his Tech teacher has been having a few run ins, not just with my son but with plenty of other pupils, she seems to think its ok to change desks every week, a process that appears to be taking 20 mins a time in each lesson, now the fact that other teachers think my son is a bit of a star and only one seems to have issues with him leads me to believe that maybe the teachers attitude or ability is not up to scratch, this is also the same teacher who earlier this year was leaving the classroom and locking her pupils into the class, I ended up threatening the school with the fire safety officer from the local brigade ( someone i have owrked with a lot). So tonight I am looking forward to finally meeting this teacher and having a good old chin wag with her, I doubt if she will enjoy it that much but I will.

What a fabulous weekend, We set out Friday slightly delayed as the Team seemed to be enjoying the Star Inn a tad too much, after a few stops to collect alcohol and a few stragglers we headed off, as soon as we pulled away the sound of cans being opened was obvious, and several were consumed, this had severe repercussions, having passed Clackett Lane services with no issues it became apparent that several members were becoming increasingly in need of a comfort break, one member was in deep discomfort, sadly the hard shoulder on the M25 was not suitable for a comfort break, it was not until we arrived at Reading services was relief available, I have never seen so many men run to the facilities so fast before! Lessons were learnt and the rest of the journey passed by without any issues, other than one member trying to consume the Samosas, his attempts were given away by the whiff of the spices everytime he opened the container, we arrived around 6pm had a quick cuppa and set off for the local Asda in Aberdare, Rich assured us his Sat Nav would get us there, as we approached Methyr and after a few dead ends we decided Richards sat nav was apile of cack, eventually we found a Tesco in Methyr and whilst the lads vanished to where the beer was stocked I was left alone to do the shopping.
We had a curry on Friday evening then settled down in the lounge for a few drinks promising ourselves not to over do it, sadly we only managed to get to bed at 4am......
Saturday was spent on a short walk to the Waterfalls and the cave then a visit to the Penderyn Distillery, after a few beers at the Lamb Hotel, a great tour of the place was had, our tour guide was very very good and picked up on our general demeanor and adjusted his tour to suit, a young Italian couple joined us and looked absolutley mystified as to what was going on, our guide took us throught the process which included asking for a volunteer to sample the whiskey at its 90% proof stage, none of the lads accepted the challenge, so I took one for the team, man alive it was good! At the end of the tour there were samples which we all took a very active part in and then of into the shop were a fair few quid were spent, including one member of the team purchasing a bottle for 275 notes!! A very good tour which we will take again....

New Romney Moutain Rescue Weeken 2009

The weekend was a huge success, and the highlight was a visit to the Penderyn Whisky Distillery...great weekend

I have a busy day ahead of me, I have 40 samosas to make, 2 different curries and some packing to do for the weekends festivities with the New Romney Mountain Rescue Team, I came home from the shops to see two people chatting to my neighbour, and quickly worked out they were Jehovahs Witness's and the pair of them were pretty aggresive in getting there views across to my neighbour, she is a tough cookie but I felt the odds were a tad unfair, and they were being way too aggresive, so I took the shopping in and went out and asked them why thought it was ok to be aggresive to a woman just because she was not a follower of their particular brand? they told me they were just trying to put their views across, I did pont out to them that the way they were doing was unacceptable and the they needed to learn to accept the fact not everyone shared their views, and asked them nicely to leaver her alone and bugger off! which they did, neighbour said thank you and I returned to unpacking my shopping, there was a knock at the door, and who do you think was at my door? bloody JWs....pair of twats, they started off their little pitch at which point I stopped them and pointed out I was disgraced catholic priest living in sin with his gay partner (I am not) at which point they made their apologies and left....