I want one of these please.

I note their is no cough button!

Still no feckin call!
Right thats out of the way, Merry Christmas to you all, no I have not gone mad, We went to see QI being recorded, and the whole set was decorated with christmas trees, garlands and snow, my companion failed to notice this! apparently they were recording the xmas special...in May?? The show was very funny and featured Dom Joly, Clive Anderson, Rob Bryden (very funny) and Alan Davies. I am curious to how they will edit it because they kept mentioning the Beijing Olympics, which has not happened yet, but when the show goes out xmas it will have!
After we popped into Pizza Express for a bite as I was starving, we ordered 2 pizzas and dough balls which for reasons that became apparent my friend only had half a pizza and 2 dough balls the rest were shoved my way, so being the greedy sod I am I polished it all off, now the reason she wanted to avoid eating too much was she wanted desert, so we ordered desert halfway through my chocolate ice cream mountain the 1.5 pizzas started to take their toll, so bravely I soldiered and finished the lot! I have only one complaint about Pizza Express, it may seem small to you but it annoyed the crap out of me, we ordered coffee at the start, a cappacino for me and latte for her, now I have drunk coffee in many places and as far as I am aware the cups are usually the same size, but not at Pizza Express, the latte was huge and my coffee was in a tea cup! I was most upset and was restrained from tripping up the waitress as she went past, I was fuming, it ruined a perfectly nice meal! bastards!
So we ordered more coffee this time I went for a latte rather than the half a cup of rubbish I was served before..... I feel a letter to Pizza Express HQ coming on!
Whilst we were there my companion scared herself witless in the ladies loo, apparently she got scared by her own reflection in the mirror.. poor lass.

The journey home was spent texting commando girl to find out if she had ever been asked to cough loudly to cover up someones farts....perfectly reasonable to me, but not to commando girl and the ginger one obviously!

Iam now sitting at home feeling very uncomfortable, I may have eaten a tad too much, think it may have been the sugar in the coffee.

I suspect the call will come today! at least I hope it will.
Went and had a session in a float tank last night very nice and a great way of being rid of stress, trouble was I got out got dressed and my phone rang, my ex wife and my son had put the bath on and forgot it and as a result the kitchen had 3 inches of water. should ask them both to pay for my next session!
Young Finch has just left to go to his mothers, as I am off to see QI this evening, and on Saturday we are off to Twickenham for the Premiership Final, Wasps vs Leicester, hopefully Wasps will win. I have never been to Twickers so this is a first for me, looking forward to it.
Right I am going to sit down and read a book I think, catch up soon.

Still no bloody call.....mucho grrrr
Young Finch is recovering after last nights injury, hand seems fine, it appears to work the play station well enough... He is off all week as its Half Term, trying to keep the little sod busy, this afternoon he is up with the twins and this evening after its mother appears he is going to his brothers to watch footie,
I have been invited by a friend to float in silence....... I am off into a floatation tank, they have a couple of free tickets so it sounds like a nice idea, and I recall from my previous visit it is very relaxing.
Tomorrow night myself and a very good friend are off to see QI being recorded, looks like fun to me.
Have been invited out by scouting friends this weekend, not too sure if I can go yet, but the idea appeals.

evening all, no phone call yet grrrr
Been to cricket practice, took 5 wickets with my swing this evening, young Finch tried to get his dad but failed, he he and then disaster, a swing bowler of immense talent (who he?) sent down a ball at the skipper which was given a solid whack and young Finch was seen acrobatically diving to his right at full stretch, he got a good hand to it as well, sadly not enough, but the little devil stopped a boundary and ended up with a badly bruised hand! poor lad, has had ice on his hand for a while now....

Why am I surprised at the result and the obvious political voting? usually I sit and fume at what is going on, but last night I rolled over and played dead, it is so obviously political now how can you explain Spain's pile of shit getting the votes it did and the UK not getting into the 20s? SO the solution is quite simple, either the voting system changes (which ain't going to happen folks) or we pull out, you will notice Italy do not compete, the reason? they have had enough of this rubbish. The contest is funded by the Big Four, Germany, Spain, France and UK, none of these nations has a ghost of a chance to win anymore, so lets all give up and let the Balkan and Eastern Bloc countries fund it instead, its obviously heavily in their favour so the cheating gits can pay for it themselves.
Young Finch seems to find the contest a scream, he thoroughly enjoyed the Latvian Pirates, and then whilst i was rolling over playing dead during the voting he was hurling insults at the voting! I for one have no idea where he gets that from.

Back to normality today, the Monaco GP, the winner will be whoever starts on Pole! still at least the Eastern Bloc have not got hold of F1....yet...

I should have some rather big news in the middle of next week, so brace yourselves!
Had a good day today Young Finch and I went to visit my Godson's and ended up at their allotment, removing bramble with a petrol engined strimmer, hours of fun! we spent about 4 hours working whilst the kids run around Fanny on the Hill playing footie, apparently the allotment only costs £35 a year! mmmm has got me thinking!
Its Eurovision this evening, I will be at home feet up with a hot cup of tea watching, feeling very tired today it has been a bit of a week!
Its the Monaco GP tomorrow so Mr Travers is turning up, the green pen one is away at some wedding apparently, then Monday I am down the Allotment again followed by the Twins coming to stay Monday night,...... I must be barking

Wow what a day, have only just got in from watching the football, the foot is much better and I can walk on the thing ok!
As for the interview, it went very well and I am back in again on Friday.....watch this space!

Cricket practice was interesting, I managed to get the ball swinging like a virgin at swingers party! it was moving exactly where i wanted it to, had the batsmen in all sorts of problems, our skipper was not happy sent 3 balls down that swung away from him then swung one in and hit him in the box, then kept one straight that he got an edge to and he was dropped by our wicket Keeper, who is a chatter box behind the stumps, he talks non stop correcting the batsmans stance and telling the bowlers the next one is the wicket.
I had a torrid time batting against Sam our young quickie who had me jumping all over the place, the the last ball of the over was a yorker that landed on my left foot, sheer agony, I batted for the next over and refused singles and was only interested in boundaries! I retired hurt to nurse my wounds, the foot is a bit large now! and has a lovely blue shade to it!
Its the BIG interview tomorrow, to say I am nervous is an understatement, I have a large knot in my stomach and really don't fancy my chances of sleeping so its a few hands of poker for me tonight!

Best put down ever!

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GEN! ERAL COSGR OVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But y ou're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Last night we went to see Roger Waters, who was playing Dark Side of the Moon, it was awesome and probably one of the loudest things I have ever heard. We had flying pigs, flying astronauts, lasers, pyrotechnics and god knows what else, a full blown assault on the senses! What I did find strange was the man that was asleep, I mean how can you fall asleep when your ears are being assaulted? and the amount of people that left before the encore, what was that about? Most in the venue were of a certain age! it was my first time at the O2 and I was very impressed with the place. The highlights for me were Brain Damage, Us and Them and Comfortably Numb, one of the best I have been to without a shadow of a doubt.
Cricket practice tonight, but I have to take it easy as I have a rather important interview tomorrow.
Toodle pip!

The funniest commentary ever!

It was Poker Night last night in the Finch house, you may recall last time I had rather too much Whiskey, last night I restricted myself to Red Wine, it did not help as I got a proper stuffing again.
It was a very lively night, the lads were in full voice so I may have to apologise to the neighbours due to our raucous laughter! Michael the youngest of us all dragged his father in law along, poor man, had to sit through 4 hours of pure filth as we dragged up Michaels love life before he married Bev, it took 4 hours because he was dirty little sod.
I was doing well at one stage, I had about 80% of the chips but somehow still managed to lose. Oh well its off to Bas Vegas (Basildon) to do some radio stuff, will have to find a tv to watch the Cup Final!

Click to enlarge

Wife Test

Click to enlarge

I was going to get an early night last night, but for some reason I had a look at what was on Sky Movies, and stumbled across Cinema Paradiso, I don't usually watch films with subtitles< I used to as a teenager, not for any reason other than in vain hope of a good sex scene! I sat through hundreds of rubbish films and saw bugger all, most upsetting, but Cinema Paradiso is a lovely Italian film, its about a film maker who returns to his home village and remembers his childhood, a really good film, and I am going to hunt down the DVD now..
Its poker night tonight again, the last one ended with me in a terrible state, tonight I am having a couple of glasses of wine and thats it!

Last week I was invited to apply for a job at a rather large radio group, as result on Wednesday next week I am going into their studios for a test, as i said in a previous blog I cannot say who it is with but it would be Capital if I got the job! The job is to present the sports news during the week on the breakfast show and cover major sporting events throughout the year, so fingers crossed for my trip to Leicester Square for the interview!

On TV last year was Three Men In A Boat, Griff Rhys Jones, Dara O'Brien and Rory McGrath rowed up the Thames through Oxford on a Thames Skiff, using the boat to sleep on as well, it looked very nice I thought, turns out a few members of the Star Cricket Club have hired one and are off next weekend, so my mate Steve W (gave up working for Maclaren F1 to come back to National Maritime Museum stupid boy) thinks it would be a jolly wheeze if we had a weekend, so plans are afoot, it does seem a very good trip rowing gently up the Thames (the nice bits) and stopping at the odd public house.
Also Dan and I are off to France for a week in late August, my godsons grand parents live out there, Eamon is a good laugh and enjoys sharing a few bottles of fine red with me on New Years Eve, the Godsons are spending the summer there and we have been invited for a week, which will be great fun, Eamon tells me the wine is dirt cheap and very good and the cafe's int the quiet village are very welcoming, we are going across on Eurostar and they will meet us the other side.
I am also aware I have not been sailing in a while so Mackerel McCabe and I are planning a small journey at some stage and the New Romney Mountain Rescue has booked its annual Xmas training weekend for 5th Dec in the Brecons at the same place we stayed last year...... here's hoping the van does not hit any stray barns....

Now those of you who read yesterdays and previous blogs will know I am back involved with Scouts again, at first I went back just to advise on Health and Safety, so I thought a couple of hours a month, no worries! well since then I have been dragged onto the Premises Committee and more recently the Gang Show, which to add to it I have agreed to tread the boards next Spring! So yesterday I popped along to a show meeting, which was a major thing for me as it meant I missed all the football on the box! Firstly my mate Steve arrived with a man bag very similar to mine, turns out it was mine, I honestly do not recall taking it up the previous evening, so it must be the alcohol that has blurred that bit out! and secondly Matt our District Commissioner reminded me of the District Executive Committee meeting next week, what meeting I enquired? what committee? apparently I had been co-opted on by our Commissioner! nice so now my Monday evenings are being filled up rather rapidly.....
Never drink and volunteer is my new rule..

Had a very good evening last night, started off bad when I left my keys indoors, so I managed to get hold of the Kiwi one who has my spare set who agreed to drop them off at my Godson's on her way out, by the time she arrived with the spare keys I was well away having demolished a bottle of white, she text to tell me I looked pissed, how kind!!! well the evening continued on similar lines with 3 bottles of chilled white dispatched whilst we sat in the garden watching the kids splash about in the new pool... all very relaxing, I seem to have learnt some sort of lesson and was drinking water as well as wine so this morning I am fit as a flea and feeling very good!
Busy day today, tidied up this morning done some laundry and now awaiting Lee and Toms arrival to watch the GP then I am straight off out at 3 for a Scout Meeting to discuss a show, now over the last 20 years or so I have been in various shows, and have appeared at the London Palladium as a result, and stupidly I have agreed to appear next year! Gawd.......

For some reason Young Finch has a fit of the giggles when he hears this...

Well what a day, Overnight young Finch was struck down with a dodgy belly and spent have the night sat in the loo, so as a result there was no school for the little blighter, I got up and scanned through my emails, one drew my attention, it was from a mate who works in radio, pointing out a job I should apply for, working for a rather well known group of stations in London, It would be a Capital idea if I did not tell you which stations they are, but if I get the job I will have struck Gold! They need a sports presenter for their breakfast shows across the networks and to cover games for their Saturday Afternoon sports show, so I have applied!

There are certain foods I avoid for health reasons, as my gall bladder has been removed I have to be a bit careful, and there are others I avoid for a altogether different reason, one of them being Egg Mayonnaise which I adore, I had forgotten the devastating effect has on me, and those around me, so at lunchtime I prepared young Finch a Cheese Toastie and put a few eggs on to boil, and made myself egg mayo for a sandwich or two, well the sarnies went down a storm, I thoroughly enjoyed them, but 30 mins after I began to feel the effects of this powerful concoction, man alive I have had to evacuate various rooms today and reach for the air freshener, it was rough, still I am not put off, there is some in the fridge that I may have as a snack tonight.....might be an idea to sleep with the windows open tonight........

Thanks to a line side fire this morning I could not get into town for my studying so I am confined to home! so to celebrate this free day I decided to catch some sun as the weather was so damn good! My garden is a sun trap with fences and walls all around so I was to be found in just a pair of shorts reading a book, very nice, not quite as relaxing as when I do this in Denmark but very good indeed, now the main issue is going to be that my poor legs and torso have not been exposed to the sun that often so I do expect some form a pain as result! but it had to be done as my Dr tells me its good for my skin.

Last night I saw one of the funniest sights for a long time, walking (actually mincing) parallel with me and about 20 yards to my right was a man with a rather good moustache, the tightest jeans you have ever seen and a shirt open to expose his chest, this man was 6'4 and rather well built, and he was walking his dog.... nothing odd in that I know but this big big man was holding the lead in a rather delicate way, on the end of the lead was a well groomed poodle! I had severe trouble containing my giggles and had to phone Out of Hours Doris to tell her!!!!

Well what a strange day, Work is seriously not good, big decision required pretty quick methinks.
So I met a couple of friends for coffee and Pete the Poof was rather taken with the new ringtone!!
Tomorrow is my ex wife's birthday, now apparently in February she told me what she wanted, which was either a David Soul cd or some book about politically correct nursery rhymes, so last night after cricket practice, when I am in a sorry state its mother rings to remind Dan about the birthday, bearing in mind this is the first hint I have had since February she expected me to remember exactly what she wanted! christ alive she forgets very quick, she should know that warning me in Feb is no good unless you follow up with further hints up until about a week before, so this afternoon found me in just about every large record store in London, now I dont know about you but asking some spotty adolescent twat in HMV for David Soul is not the coolest thing in the world, needless to say none of the ex work shy tax dodging shopping assistants had heard of David Soul! for christ sake he was in Starkers and Crutch!!! so I decided to find this book, another error i walked mile upon mile and was getting desperate until I stumbled into Waterstones in Charing Cross and there in the humour section was the Politically correct book of nursery rhymes!!! thank the lord and it was cheap (no point spending too much on her) so I purchased the book and headed off, once I arrived home I showed it to Dan and we wrapped it for the two heads, who arrived to visit Dan, now the boy was a tad excited that we had got her exactly what she wanted so insisted she opened it, which she duly did, trouble is the ungrateful bint then announced that the book she wanted was actually called The Politically Correct Book of Bedtime Stories.... fuck me the ungrateful woman! I traipsed around the West End for that book and all she could do was moan!!! so not to be outdone I logged on to Amazon and found the book she wanted and ordered it at £1.29.... and when it arrives it will have pride of place on the bookshelf in the newly decorated loo! I think she thinks I have ordered it for her.... daft woman what does she think I am!
Got my July exam dates through the other day, the dates are extremely close to Glastonbury, I may have to skip my week paid and study, I really do not think it would be a good idea to spend the week down there so close to the exam..... must ring Old Finch for some advice!

Extreme Ironing

Well I have had some food, and feel recovered from my Eurovision nightmare! At the weekend I received a shed load of MP3's, about 3,500 from Colonel Bertie, had a cursory scan Saturday evening and yesterday, but this morning I am delving deep into the library and discovering some long forgotten gems, currently I am tapping my feet along with Boney M - Rasputin and on the playlist next is The Motors - Airport, always one of my favourite songs, luckily there is no sign of the Goombay Dance Band singing 7 Tears, which knowing the horse smelling Colonel as I do I am surprised its not there! Other gems include Tarzan Boy from the 80s, an absolute pile of old rubbish but it gets the feet tapping!
All this is possible because of this wonderful 120mb external hard drive, I recall in the 80s going to do Disco's with crates of vinyl and a case full CD's, these days when we do one its a laptop plugged into an amp with an external hard drive, and hardly any gear to lug around, marvelous, and the last time I did one I got paid £450 for two hours work!!! ha ha work? my arse, two hours of playing tunes to a group of drunken business people is my idea of easy money.
Right now back to the music, its The Real Thing - Can you feel the force, which I had a the 12inch Purple Vinyl version!!! oh the memories!!!

I promised a few weeks ago I would have a butchers at this years crap, sorry crop of entries for Eurovision, well I woke up rather early this morning and decided to take the bull by the horns, and I really wish I had not bothered, what a turgid pile of old tripe.... I have sat through god knows how many warbling twats dressed in god knows what singing the same old shite with the same old beat...last years Serbian winner was a slow wrist slashing number and the obviously thought why change a winning formula? because this years entry is enough to make you do a Fred West and string yourself up, Sweden whose song last year was pretty good have gone back in time, 9 years ago Charlotte Nillsen won with a a really good song, well she is back with a new surname and some expensive facial work and a crap song...... Last Year Ukraine had the ridiculous Verka Seducjka, a man dressed as a middle aged woman, very cathchy, this year they have a real woman who has all the right bits in the right places, sadly the song sucks..
Looking at the odds Russia are favourites at the moment, heaven knows why its a pile of old shite... Armenia is hotly fancied, although I suspect the fact the singer is stunning and is bound to get most of her kit off is coincidental. Latvia seems a giggle its 3 blokes dressed as pirates, singing "Wolves of the sea" its a bit of a sing a long in a gang show type of way, I can see Terry Wogan having a lot of fun at their expense. Finland have gone down the Hard Rock route, and their entry is seriously loud!
As for Andy Abraham (think they really wanted Father Abraham and the Smurfs), to win for the UK you have to have an exceptional song, a really exceptional song to get the Eastern Bloc vote, Andy has failed its a rancid pile of old poo pants that stands a good chance of nil points.... I have decided to play the Eurovision drinking game on the night, that way the alcohol will numb the pain of watching these pathetic bunch of losers, and look forward to the usual unfathomable round of voting whilst Terry Wogan gets increasingly pissed and laughs at the old pals act voting......

I have just seen on BBC that Sir Stiff Pilchard was cheated out of the 1968 contest by the Spanish Dictatorship, apparently they rigged the voting..... this is news? its been rigged for years....muppets...
Right I have suffered enough for one morning so I am going to pull my toe nails out with a pair of tweezers......

I have posted Guildo Horn from a few years ago, the bloke failed to win but caused panic when climbing the set which was clearly not designed for the task! Enjoy

Oh dear just discovered this photo from my Step-Daughters wedding, 3 Finch's rather inebriated and dancing Bill on the left Tom at the rear (seriously wasted) and then me, I recall I had to be up rather early the following day to go on holiday, was a quiet flight.....

What a nice relaxing morning I have had....not, I was woken up by young Finch hunting for his packed lunch, luckily despite my tired eyes I recalled it was in the most obvious place, the fridge.... which he had not for a moment considered despite the fact that ever since the little sod started school is where it will always be found in the morning, I do wonder where he gets this from, I can only assume its his mother, she forgot who she was married to once!!! or was it twice?

After that I trundled down the stairs in gruff daddy bear mode, put the kettle on, at which point young Finch departed for school and I was left totally alone until Monday evening....pure heaven, so I settled down to watch the news to see how the elections had gone, when the TV and PC switched themselves off, at first I thought a fuse had gone but then seeing my ever so eccentric neighbour (must tell you about his ginger wig he wears when pretending to be his twin brother,in a kilt with a crap Scottish accent, which convinces nobody as his Brummie accent is always there)well he was outside in his dressing gown scratching his head, and was quickly joined by our local wide boy, sensing something was afoot I ventured out and it appeared we had a power cut, so having not had a cup of tea i stuck a pan on with some hot water on the gas and just as the thing boiled the power was restored...marvellous

I am venturing out later this evening but during the day I am staying in, as I will without doubt be dressed entirely in the wrong way and will either get a good soaking or boiling hot, thats how it has been for me the past few days, I detest April/May you can never be sure if you need a coat.... so its best if I stay indoors methinks.........

I appear to be having a spot of bother with the weather, yesterday I went to work in suit with no coat, well it looked nice, to say I got drenched is an understatement, so much so I sat outside the coffee shop protected from the rain and had a few capaccinos (cannot spell it sod em) not sure how many Out of Hours Doris would know, again today I looked outside it was lovely so it was suit and no coat, all was fine until I was given the task of finding a new assembly point for the office, I am not joking, as soon as I walked outside reception the thunder clap hit very swiftly followed by the rain, drenched again, I also got soaked on my way to giving a talk at an induction course yesterday...... I would buy an umbrella but I keep losing the sodding things. It has got so bad Out Of Hours sent me a text with tomorrows weather forecast, she is taking the piss now, still I lok forward her flag disintegrate in the rain at Glastonbury as I boogie along with Shakin Stevens, I do note the flags colours are similar to a certain Rugby Club, I wonder if they know Out of Hours and Commando girl have done this.

So now I am off til Wednesday next week, Dan is off to his mothers Friday so its clear all the way, the festivites commence with me dancing naked around an imaginary Maypole tomorrow morning, then in the evening to see Bare Knuckle Bun Fight being recorded in town, apparently its a cross between Mock the Week and Have I got News For You and is presented by John Seargant, cannot wait. Saturday is taken up with Radio stuff in darkest Essex all day followed by huge amounts of alcohol with some chums Saturday evening, which will end up I am sure at the little Cafe on Blackheath munching through an animal burger!
Sunday will be spent sleeping I suspect.......